I am sleeping under the stars tonight, but I won't be able to see any of them, because I am in a tent. I am in a small tent, but I feel comfortable in my small tent, I feel safe.

I do miss my wife, though. I think about her constantly. I wish she were with me. I am here in the Olympics mountains with my good friend, my Bestie, but it is not the same as it would be with my beloved wife.

She is the best thing that ever happened to me. It is amazing what we have done together. When we got together, we owned nothing. She did not even have a job. She did have a little savings, and I did have a good job. I had a nice apartment in Seattle. Just look at what we have done with that beginning.

The almost 12 years we have been together have been amazing and I have done things I always dreamed of doing but never thought I would, but I do admit that sometimes I miss parts of my previous life. I had so many great moments at every phase of life - mixed with trauma and fear and hardship, to be sure, but those things don't erase the happy memories.

What I miss the most are my daughters. It makes me cry sometimes. Two such sweet little girls who each had such a vibrancy to them, both gone. I have spent more time this year thinking about Mina and wondering where she is and how she is doing. I wonder what her passions are, what she is good at, what she wants to be in her life, and if I will ever see her again.

Michelle is my only source of regret. I remember her at seven, how she laughed and how she sassed me and how she was always creating her fantasy worlds and dreaming up stories in them, and I feel gutted about how much I and her mother put her through, how I ripped her world apart and how badly her mother let her down, failed to take care of her and protect her and how broken she was when Kylie left me. It all left her unable to survive this world. When I learned of her death I wasn't even surprised. Shocked, yes, but not surprised.

I miss my daughters. I don't let it debilitate me or detract from my life, but I carry it. The river behind me doesn't care about any of it and the water rushing by has no time for human sadness. I don't hold onto my ghosts. I let them walk to the river and float away.

I'm here now and I am so grateful for it. Tomorrow I will be home with my wife and my dog and I will have everything I need. And my laptop. I miss my MacBook.